tears

Betsy gave me the book Prayer by Richard Foster. These quotes and the following prayer are taken from it...

Tears are like blood in the wounds of the soul

- Gregory of Nyssa

Whoever wishes to advance in building up virtue will do so through weeping and tears

- Abba Anthony

Oh Lord, how do I let go when I am so unsure of things? I'm unsure of Your will and I'm unsure of myself... That really isn't the problem at all, is it? The truth of the matter is I hate the very idea of letting go, I really want to be in control. No, I need to be in control, That's it, isn't it? I'm afraid to give up control, afraid of what might happen. Heal my fear, Lord.

How good of You to reveal my blindspots even in the midst of my stumbling attempts to pray. Thank you!

But now what do i do? How do I give up control? Jesus, please teach me your way of relinquishment.

I read this prayer this morning and it searched my soul. What holds me, us, back from the freedom of complete trust in God? Is it the uncertainty of life? of jobs and finance, of living situations and relationships and health? Or is it that we want control? we want to be prepared for hurdles and shocks? Is it sometimes one more than the other? Is it a blurr of both? Are we afraid of uncertainty?

is this too meaningful for this blog?

i'm sorry.

but not really.

you asked for it

People have complained for the first time that I am not posting enough.
I asked Lauren if I am becoming unsilly. THAT WOULD BE TRAGIC!!!!!!!! She says it's just normal to me and that since she is Lauren Binder, she is always right and I should post all of what I am thinking, even though I think it is unsilly and unblogworthy.

ok, chief.

This is what I have been thinking about when I look in the mirror recently:
There was a large mirror covering the restaurant wall at dinner two Saturdays ago. Ladson turned to face it next to me and asked what I saw.
He said that when you look at someone else in the mirror, you see them the way they see themselves. No one is symmetric.
That could be a way deep thought, but my hair was straight, so all I saw is what looked like my sister with Ladson, and I got a little jealous...

The first flowers of spring appeared this past weekend.
ahh the joys of little yellow buttercups along the side of a jogging path.
I picked two for Paige and myself. Flowers from Jesus...
In the happiness of coming warmth I bought a bar of 85% chocolate yesterday. Seemingly unrelated, I came home at night with a bad headache, and tired body. I told mom it was sympathy pains because she has been dealing with a lot recently. But now I think I was just dehydrated from OD-ing on chocolate/caffeine.

Why do I learn my lessons the hard way?

ants

There is a species of ants, (and beetles, according to Annie Dillard), that will get so caught up in what they are doing, that they follow each other around in circles until they dieThis is a lot like us as humans. I see someone excel at something and think "I have to be good at that". Ultimately our deep desire is to be wholly loved, and we think we can earn it by doing what other people do. I deal with this issue often; that's why I have this quote on the side of this blog "I am me and you are you..."
It's like:

When Peter saw [John], he asked, 'Lord, what about him?' Jesus answered, 'If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.'

(John 21:21-22)

Help.

normal

Guess what this is:
Give up?

BEETS!!!

I shredded these beautifully striped beets on Sunday and I just had to take a picture to show you!!!
Aren't they fabulous! God is such an artist. I should have taken a picture before I shredded them, too.
The beets are nothing near what I expect beets to be when I buy them to bake or pickle or shred. But, then, that's what made them blog-worthy...

Adam shared this quote from Tombstone with me today:

Doc Holliday: What do you want Wyatt?
Wyatt Earp: Just to live a normal life.
Doc Holliday: There is no normal life, Wyatt, there's just life, ya live it.
Wyatt Earp: I don't know how.
Doc Holliday: Sure ya do, say goodbye to me, go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that spirit from her and don't look back. Live every second, live right on through to the end. Live Wyatt, live for me. Wyatt, if you were ever my friend... if ya ever had even the slightest of feelin' for me, leave now, leave now... please.
Wyatt Earp: Thanks for always being there, Doc.

live for me

and don't be normal.

In 2007 this article was published online in DISCOVER, stating,

Recent studies suggest that nearly 60 million blogs exist online, and about 175,000 more crop up daily (that’s about 2 every second).

and apparently not all blogs were created equal.If you're looking for "Ms. Popular" you've come to the wrong site. This blog could be used for disgruntled political spillage, or even some technically or mathematically enlightening prose. I shall choose to be a point at the end of one of those tiny iridescent lines on the map of the blogosphere. And maybe if you share this with your friend in Australia and he puts it on his blog, and his cousin in India reads it, and gives it to her friend who blogs about it... we can make the lines cross some more... isn't that exciting!

In closing, check out that picture... and know that God has the entire world in His hands.
WOW.

gym

If you were watching me at the gym today, you would have laughed.

I started on some glidey machine thing, looking out over the pool, reading Abba's Child for about 19 minutes. Then I thought I should do something else, so I did Dante's intense ab work out, and headed towards an elliptical. Climbing on, I decided facing the gym full of people was not my thing. I went for the erg and thought I could do a 2000 m piece. Two strokes was all I lasted-- Abba was calling me. I'm not really surprised that I crave the message of grace in this book. I read The Ragamuffin Gospel twice last year.
So, I returned to the glidey thing, now, the water polo team was starting practice. I finished the chapter of Abba's Child, with a clear sense that my Father had meant for me to read that today.

Brennan Manning asks the question my heart feels on page 63,

"Is my life a disappointment to You? Are You grieved by the shallowness of my soul?"

Yet, I am greeted with a beautiful truth, that he quotes from Gerald May,

"It's important to recognize these self-commentaries for the mind tricks they are. They have nothing to do with our real dignity. How we view ourselves at any given moment may have little to do with who we really are".

What if my ultimate sense of self-worth, my idea of who I really am, came purely from who God says I am?

"Desperate women encountering Jesus"

...is the title of the Bible study that Anna is doing with A D Pi. But I think it is a good title for my life, and the lives of so many beautiful women I know.
I can't wait to see God's face!

L-slice.

When you put a teapot on to boil, it makes these loud noises at the beginning, and then, just before it starts to boil, it gets quieter. I think it's like the calm before the storm.

Ellen and I both like to drink tea (and water and wine and cappuccinos). We always use the tea kettle, never the microwave. Even when we had a plastic water heater, we used the stove. (But that's another story...)
L-slice. We live together, so clearly her love for Camembert rubbed off on me, my love for organic rubbed off on her, and our love for God and each other is mutually encouraged. ( I don't think that's proper English).
Maybe the boiling point of our friendship was last summer...

I <3>